Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
