end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
