I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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