the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
