And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
