I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
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