I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
