I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
