Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
