i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
