I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
