i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
