Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
