During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
