my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
