I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
