I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
