I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
