I'm gonna have a badass scar
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
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