Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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