My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
