I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
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