so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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