The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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