please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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