Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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