It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Randomize
