Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
