he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
