never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I just forgot I was standing up.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
