we're chasing vodka with high fives
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
