i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
