well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
There r osticjed everywhere
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Randomize
