Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Randomize
