Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
