I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
