"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
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