My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
