I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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