That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
