This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
