I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
im holly from the hills drunk
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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