I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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