Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
