The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
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