I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
i think i have two assholes
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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