I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Randomize
