i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
God gave him joint rollers for hands
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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