Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
