I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
