What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
