i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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